


To Keep Going

by bodhirookandor



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Gen, I love him, yet another fic that was for bodhiweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 22:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10818087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bodhirookandor/pseuds/bodhirookandor
Summary: “Bodhi,” his mother whispers, voice thick and broken in a way that makes his limbs burn, “do what you think is right.”





	To Keep Going

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic from Bodhi week! God I love him so much

_It’s quiet, silent like the empty ridges of the Jedhan desert. He stands next to his mother, barely seven years old, as they watch the imperial ships touch down upon their home. He doesn’t understand why his mother shakes, why she pushes him and his sister into their home, with tears down her face, doesn’t understand where his father is being taken. He doesn’t understand, but a terrible, freezing feeling slithers in his gut._

_It takes him months to learn that the feeling is rage. And that it’ll never leave._

* * *

He’s quiet, a whisper of a person, intangible and wraith-like as he slinks towards his ship. The device in his pocket is heavy, weighing him down with the knowledge of the consequences of his actions. 

Bodhi starts up the ship and leaves; hope and anger fueling him. He’s defected with nothing more than a prayer on his lips and a device in his hands meant to take down the Empire.

* * *

_“What’s a kid like you doing way out here?” A man asks, imperial uniform stark and ugly against the Jedhan sun. Bodhi doesn’t say anything, mouth filled with blood and lungs fit to burst with rageragerage and heart screaming “how dare you.”_

_Asha tells him his mouth will get him killed one day. Bodhi refuses to let his death separate him from his family. So he stays silent, furious and quiet like an oncoming storm. He says nothing, but his eyes do all the talking._

_The imperial chuckles and the sound grates on Bodhi’s ears like gravel._

_“Run along now kid. Who knows what could happen.” A hand touches his shoulder and squeezes, the threat clear as day. Bodhi spends the next three hours scrubbing the feeling off of his shoulder. He rubs and rubs and rubs until the skin on his shoulder is raw.  
_

_He can still feel the hand._

* * *

He finds it funny, how it easy it is to get away from the Empire, how easy it is to slip passed their defenses and go his own way. Of course no one would care to look for him. He’s nothing more than a cargo pilot, unnoticed and replaceable. 

Bodhi lands on Jedha and he laughs, hysterical and more than a little terrified. 

* * *

_There are days where he thinks he can hear the city cry. Late at night, when most of her inhabitants sleep, NiJedha lets out a gaping sob that makes Bodhi’s ears bleed and his soul weep. He tells his mother, but she says it’s his imagination, a thing his mind made up in order for him to process what’s happening. Bodhi tries to believe her, but he can’t help but touch the ground every morning and whisper a soft prayer, a quiet reassurance._

_‘I’m here,’ he tells NiJedha, heart hammering in his chest, ‘I’m here.’  
_

* * *

He walks along the Jedhan desert, feels the sand crunch under his feet as the insurgents lead him to who he hopes is Saw. Bodhi can’t help the nervous flutter of his fingers, can’t help the angry tears that sting his eyelids. He came here for Saw-came here to help them fight the Empire. Came to this word that no longer feels like home in order to hand over the message. But all he gets for his efforts are bruising grips and a sack over his head.

He walks along the Jedhan desert, a defector with a message that they don’t care to listen to.

* * *

_There are days where he can’t breathe. Days where the knowledge of who he is and what he’s done sits in his chest. He holds the message his mother sends him close to his heart and sobs._

_“Bodhi,” it says, tears dotting along the page, “do not come home.”  
_

* * *

“Are you the pilot?” A voice asks, more than a little terrified. It tugs at him, pushes at something deep within in his consciousness. Bodhi can’t respond, can’t do anything but rock softly in his chair.

_Bor Gullet will know the truth. The unfortunate side effect is that one tends to lose their minds._

Bodhi rocks, his heart in his throat and his lips opening for air. He can’t. He _can’t_.

“Are you the pilot?” The voice asks again, angry and confused, horrified and cold like the steel grip of a hand on his shoulder. 

_Don’t come home. Don’t come home._

All he can hear are his mother’s cries as he chokes out a soft “yes.”

* * *

_“It’s a planet killer, Bodhi.” Galen says, voice hard and matter of fact. “It’s a planet killer and you helped them make it.”_

_“I didn’t help anyone!” Bodhi screams, fury and disbelief coating his tone.  
_

_“But you did. What did you think they were having you collect kyber crystals for? You stole from your own home, helped build something like this.” Galen closes his eyes and lets out a breath. “We both did.”  
_

_The words seep into Bodhi’s skin, soak his bones, and crushes his heart._

* * *

He watches Jedha burn, stares, eyes wide open, as it collapses and breaks into tiny little pieces. They enter hyperspace and Bodhi’s last sight is of the Planet Killer looming over what used to be NiJedha.

His heart burns with rage. 

* * *

_Bodhi sits down on the roof of his home, glaring at the imperial outpost on their home. The sun slowly rises over the horizon and the biting cold air starts to warm. Asha sits down next to him, quiet for a moment as she stares at the imperial outpost._

_“I hate them.” She whispers, words burning like acid out of her lips, “I hate them and I hate the Republic for not doing anything!” Bodhi blinks and then chuckles, defeated long before he even began.  
_

_“When has anyone cared about Jedha?”_

* * *

Bodhi often wonders about what his life would entail after his service. Would the Empire kill him? Deem him useless and then toss him aside? Or would they let him go, let him retire on his home world to take care of his mother? Would they let him go? 

As he stands atop of a mountain on Eadu, listening with half an ear as Cassian gives him feeble orders to leave, Bodhi wonders what’s to become of him now. What would the rebels do with a man that’s outlived his purpose?

“Are you going to kill him?” Cassian doesn’t answer; Bodhi nods and walks away. 

He tells himself he doesn’t care, that his reason for living died with his family on Jedha, but Bodhi knows that’s a lie.

* * *

_He hugs his mother goodby, refusing to let the tears in his eyes trickle down his face. His mother is holding in her sobs as well, but Bodhi can feel the slight tremor in her frame, can feel her anguish in how tightly she holds on to him._

_“Bodhi,” she whispers, voice thick and broken in a way that makes his limbs burn, “do what you think is right.” He nods, turns to hug his sister but stops short when she takes a step back. He nods again, even though his heart weeps and turns to walk to his new employer.  
_

_They hand him 5 standard imperial uniforms. Bodhi destroys two._

* * *

The rebel base is everything and nothing like the thinks it’d be and Bodhi-not for the first time-wonders why he’s even there. He’s told Cassian all that he knows, and is positive Jyn knows even more than he does. But he keeps walking, rage rushing through his limbs and tentative hope curling around his soul. Maybe they’ll listen, maybe just maybe his words could help them understand why they needed to act. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll let decide that Jedhans are worth enough to avenge.

* * *

_“Happy Empire Day!” Bodhi smiles and nods, even as nausea bubbles up in his throat. He says nothing, watching the parade in front of him. The food in his mouth tastes like ash, the music and cheerful noises around him make his stomach churn with anger._

_He throws his food in the trash and spends the rest of the day holed up in his ship._

* * *

They refuse to help and Bodhi shakes his head in dismay. A part of him is unsurprised but the rest of him is furious. He can’t help but speak, words dripping with bitterness and centuries worth of rage.

“You were happy to take from Jedha, happy to use its resources. But the minute the Empire came, you washed your hands of us, let us rot under their rule. And now that you learn that the Empire isn’t content with just taking our resources, that they’re capable of destroying our homes, you do nothing? Jedha may not have been a place you cared about, but I can guarantee you that the Empire will come for your worlds next.” He turns and walks away, not waiting for any of them to speak. 

“Nice speech,” Jyn says, as she waits for him to catch up. “What do you suppose we do now?” His lips twitch slightly, fingers playing incessantly with the cuff of his imperial uniform.

_Do what you think is right, Bodhi._

“We fight.”

* * *

_He stares at the burned down temple and kneels on the hard ground. He’s set to depart in the morning and Bodhi wants…He doesn’t know what he wants._

_“Please,” he whispers to the cool Jedhan air, sitting in front of the ruined bits of a temple his mother used to make them frequent. “Please protect my mother and sister. Please,” he chokes and leans forward until his forehead touches the ground, “protect them where I could not.”  
_

* * *

They land on Scarif and the mission takes hold. Bodhi does everything he can do and more, heart in his throat as all around him men fall with screams of pain. It’s bloody, death surrounding them at every turn and Bodhi wonders why he’s there. Why he put himself in this situation.

_Do what you think is right._

Tonc falls beside him and Bodhi laughs around his sobs as a connection is made. He sits there, next to a rapidly cooling body of a man that promised to protect him, and laughs a second time before rising. The others would need him to get them out of there.

A grenade rolls onto the ship. Bodhi turns to look at it and then jumps.

* * *

_“Why me?” He asks. Galen never answers._

* * *

"He reminds me so much of you,” Leia says, as she joins to stand next to Bodhi, both of them looking at the still comatose man on the bed. 

“He’s something else,” Bodhi explains, turning and eyeing the smile on Leia’s face. “Something special.”

“So were you, not just everyone up and defects from the Empire.” Bodhi chuckles once, and nods, placing a hand Leia’s shoulder.

“Not just anyone can be a general either.”

“And don’t you forget it,” she says, every inch a snobby princess. Bodhi laughs, loud and carefree. 

* * *

_“You saved us, Bodhi. You did.” Cassian whispers, voice soft and warm and filled with something that Bodhi is hard pressed to identify. He turns and looks at the smiling faces surrounding him and lets out a small sob._


End file.
